ODOUR
The speeding
buses and trucks whirled the sand on the roads in commotion. Silence was
inevitable; so was the cold in the wind. Few stars were there to shower a
feeble incandescence; the moon was nowhere in the vicinity. The regular
inhabitant of the bus stop; a Tamil speaking nomad, was absent today to my
surprise. His presence usually pricks my brain with the endless queries. But I
felt I missed something; a sound, an element. Highways are always intimidating.
And at a place like this; Bathlappalli; a remote place along NH44; where the
streetlights glowed in alternate days, it would be worse. But it never frightened
me. Once I came with Sai, my cousin who came to visit me at Bengaluru. I took
him for a ride and obviously, when I reached this place, I had to stop. And he
was one among those new millennium kids, who hated getting down at places of
no-purpose. The night-time and that nomad brought him chills and didn’t let me
to keep my leg onto ground for more than a couple of minutes. And that was the
first and last time I took someone to Bathlappalli with me… And I liked to be
alone… It is my perdition… A place; which never came into the faintest of my
notice, but gate-crashed all of a sudden on a night, when it all happened…
I had one of
those hunky names of my times; Niranjan. But the pet name syndrome that
prevailed in schools modified it to ‘Niru’; a name which meant water in most
South-Indian languages. It broke the whole magnanimity of my name and also
marked the start of wreckage in my school life. I was one of those
middle-benchers who were not of any interest to teachers as well as to girls. Front-benchers
had that suave ‘I don’t care’ conduct; while the back-benchers savoured the
present day tag name; ‘THUG LIFE’. And people like me; existed; just existed.
May be for the sake of bordering these two classes. We never received
accolades; nor those pedagogue tantrums. Girls just used us to pass the
notebooks; in either direction. I always thought why the middle-benched girls
never found interest in their counterpart opposite sex! And a thinker friend of
mine enlightened me the fact that girls are always ambitious; especially in
their teens. They wanted to pursue rather than settle. And all of these had a
positive impact on all of us that we tried to push ourselves to the front
benches and more importantly ensured that we never went to the back. Both the
situations had occurred in my high school, but none of them were permanent. I
completed my matriculation with a well-deserved 80%; yeah; the epitome score of
a middle-bencher.
The eclectic
number of students from different parts of the town; and their scintillating
90+ results prevented me from acquiring a seat in the most sought A-batch in
the higher secondary studies; which had Computer Science as the major; and more
importantly, no regional language subject in the syllabus. I wanted to be in ‘A’
for the latter reason. I could have changed the school; but a different place
could be worse; and taking risks were not my niche at that time. And hence I
joined the B-batch; which had Mathematics as major with Hindi, Malayalam and
Sanskrit as the options for the regional language subject. I had to take Hindi
as I hated the Malayalam teacher; the most unpleasant personality I had ever
seen in my life who had also took lessons to us in 10th. The eerie
alphabets of the country’s official language was far better than his wretched
facials. Usually those who completed the 10th Hindi exams opted it
in the higher secondary. But as there were vacant seats, me and my few buddies who
were in congruence with my opinion on the Malayalam teacher, got the entrance
tickets. Besides we had a tryst with Hindi in a mandatory course performed at
our school when I was in 8th. And so, we happily joined the
middle-benchers’ club of B-batch.
There were
some new girls in the class, fair and fresh, daughters’ of NRI businessmen and
liquor big shots who were funding sources to the school. Among the boys too,
there were some new faces. Hindi was very tough. For the syllabus was framed
for basic Hindi Pundits. I personally said to the teacher about my inefficacy
in Hindi, but she doesn’t seem much interested in giving me special attention.
I joined Hindi tuitions near my home, but the difference between school Hindi
and tuition Hindi was such that I felt I joined for Sanskrit tuitions… The
pathetic condition went on soaring, and I saw my first flunk in the exams… I
got 10 out of 50 in the mid-term exams. My friends somehow managed to pass,
which left my devastation into more depths. Ironically I was among the Math
toppers in the class. I saw the front-benchers enjoying the accolades for which
even I was a part of. But failed student doesn’t deserve an accolade for any
other feat. My dad’s disgraced face while signing my report card was one among
those vignettes that would always stay in my wall of memoirs.
The classes
resumed after the exams. I really didn’t have the mood to attend classes’ for I
was back-benched. My buddies took all their opportunities to smirk me off. But
the real problem was, how to resurrect? Somehow I wanted to crack Hindi. I was
trying my best but the portions were flowing in lightning speed. I changed the
tuition centre, but still; there was something missing; may be the problem was
me, not my tutors. Some things never work to you, and may be Hindi was my bad
luck. I had only two options; pass the terminal exam and save my ass; or move
to C-batch where they taught Malayalam. The pressure in head was high… Higher
secondary, higher pressure…
Amidst of
this chaos; there were some non-studious things going on in school; and one
among them occurred in B-batch. One of our female classmate’s mother ran away
with her extramarital affair. And that became THE sensational news in the
school for such things happened once in a blue moon in my part of the country.
Students from senior as well as junior grades came into our class and enquired about
the girl. It was one among the newbies; and I had no idea of this girl;
Vaishnavi. No bells rang when I heard that name… And obviously she didn’t come
to class for a few days… And then, on a Monday morning; during the usual
morning attendance registering procedure, a husky voice echoed in the room,
saying “Present Ma’am”, when the name Vaishnavi was called. All heads,
including mine careened into the voice’s direction. A goggled face received our
looks with the unavoidable despise. Even the teacher took a pause to see the
girl. She handled the situation with an indifferent face. She sat right
opposite to my bench, which made me to peek at her a number of times that
morning. At once, on realizing that I’m staring at her; she replied me with a
stern back-stare that brought the sh*t out of me. I felt embarrassed and never
looked back again.
In the
recess, I didn’t feel to hang out in the ground with friends. I had that ego
glitch somewhere in my mind to enjoy with my dudes. Things were not working
fine past few days. I grabbed the biscuit packet; my favourite snack, and
started giving food for my thoughts. Suddenly an unprecedented voice shook me
aback,
“Hey…Niranjan right?”
“Ah… yes. Hi Vaishnavi…”
Yes, it was
her. She was a total mess at that close encounter. She might have not cleaned
up herself for, might be, past two days. And even a little stink was hovering
in the air…
I moved a
bit such that she could sit beside.
“Hi… So how are things going?”
“Fine… How about you?”
“Great… You would have heard things about
my mother… Great time it would be…”
“Yeah, sorry for that… My bad”
“It’s OK… Can I get a biscuit?”
“Yeah… Sure, take two if you want!”
And she took
three. Probably she was starving from the morning.
“You used to be in the mid rows right?”
“… Yeah…”
“Probably you failed in some subject,
right?”
“…Yeah…” I kept the composure.
“I guess, it is Hindi, right?”
“…Yeah…” My patience was alarming inside
“You learned Malayalam till 10th,
right? May be that’s why?”
ENOUGH IS
ENOUGH…
“…Excuse me Vaishnavi; if you know all of
this, then are you taking the whole fun of humiliating me? Is it like a
self-pacifying exercise? Are you itching my heart to get a leisure so that you
can forget your mom ran away? And look at you? You are not a first-bencher!
You’re sitting exactly same to where I’m sitting? So don’t bring that sympathy
crap to me again. Will you please leave?”
I went so
hard that even the first-bencher girls who used to neglect everything going
around them in the course of their recess-studies; took a break and peeked into
us.
Vaishnavi
walked off quickly; probably to the girl’s washroom to have a downpour. But it
was her mistake. Why would she come to me and piss me off? Her mom didn’t run
away with my dad!!!
The day was
totally merciless to me. I had to suffer a lot of hits. The Physics ma’am had
some quirky questions for which I had no answers. The Chemistry Ma’am wanted to
embellish the day with a surprise test. Mathematics ma’am caught me for
chatting with a bench-mate; which she really hated to happen in her class. So I
enjoyed the Sun, the dust in the grounds and the gardener’s work during my
favourite period. Last, but not the least, was the Hindi Ma’am; who had a great
time torturing me. She figuratively stripped me off in front of the class with
some godforsaken questions from Hindi Grammar. Finally I had to tell her, “Leave
Me alone”, to which the whole class smirked in unison…
I walked to
the parking space where my traveller stood. Rough day… I had no mood to go to
the tuitions. Just get to my bed, switch on some nice music, and doze off. That
was the plan.
“Hey!” again that husky voice.
I didn’t get
the time to choose a mood; such that I had to give back a quick reply
unconditionally.
“Hi Vaishnavi”
And that
literally broke the ice; which would have existed between us. It was quick and
unprecedented.
“I can help you in your Hindi; can you
help me back in Math?”
She was
quick.
“Ah… it is a good idea. Actually, don’t
mind me, how good are you in Hindi?
“90% in 10th mains; if that is
what you want to know!”
“Cool!! Also may I know one thing? Why
me? I’m a middle-bencher. I’m good in math, but I don’t know if I can teach
you. I may not be good at it…”
“Let’s see that in the process. Now, is
it a deal?”
I took a
second. I just abused this girl in the morning. Now she’s pulling her hand for
friendship; in one way, of course… Should I trigger it? Sceptical…
“Wait… Was this all about you prefacing
me in the morning? Were you making a stage to say about this partnership?”
“Yes… But it misfired”
“OK… So, deal. I’m good. And by the way,
sorry for today’s morning. It came out from me, badly”
“It’s fine. Actually I felt it better. My
aunts and cousins usually say about my mother indirectly. And the sympathy is
the most horrible thing ever. But you did it straight and raw; which was fine.
See Ya; we’ll make a plan!”
“Bye Vaishnavi…”
She smiled.
And that was how it started. The famous friendship between Ranjo and Vivi.
That’s how we called each other in our course of friendship. She was incredibly
great in Hindi. Her father worked as a marketing manager in one of those
nationalized banks, and most of her schooling life was in North India. Her Math
was terrible. I had to bring her calculus clean from 5th standard
basics. I wondered how a banker’s daughter could be so flunky in Math. I
cancelled my Hindi tuitions and spent that time in school; so did she. And our
partnership did very well. I passed Hindi with a decent 60% in the terminals
and she passed Math with a 50%. We were happy for ourselves and for each other.
The whole class would smirk at our minuscule combo, but we were able to isle
ourselves from them. It was incredible; the friendship. Amidst; I had my bunch
of friends in the class; but she had only one or two acquaintance other than
me. Once I asked her about this;
“I believe in quality than quantity. One
is enough if it is worth it!!!”
That was how
she replied, and I was overwhelmed; more importantly, injected with
responsibility. I had to live up to those words. And I did. We partnered well
in studies and successfully passed our 12th mains with distinction.
And when you find synergy in success, the happiness is unmatchable. We both
decided to take Statistics Mains for graduation; she had good rudiments with
the numbers now and thanks to me. When we met after getting the results;
“I’m the happiest person now; happiest
because I made a friend like you. I’m so proud of me for that, Ranjo. Love you”
“You too Vivi”
She hugged
and kissed me at my cheeks. That was our first intimate physical contact; and I
enjoyed it with the whole righteousness involved in it. No tainted feelings. We
were a kind. The friendship between us was pure and pristine. Until it changed…
as if it had to…..
College life
was easier than school. It was a Govt. aided institution. The assignments,
seminars, mini projects were rather fun than surprise tests and Q&A
sessions. People get more time for their self rather than the studious toils.
And so was our friendship. We had more time to ourselves; and to others. We
made new friends; common as well as individuals. There were people who could be
related; who understood our friendship. Some weirdos affixed us as school time
love-birds, but neither I nor she had the patience to correct them. Rather we
found it as an alibi to ignore them off. The seniors were never a pain in the
ass; as the anti-ragging panel of the college was pretty strong. The college
politics had the great SFI leading from the front; hence giving no chance for
any rookie to play heroics in the college. Also the teachers… they were not
those sulky unpleasant individuals, like those we had experienced; but more
lenient and professional people; who taught their lessons and left; never
caring if the students learnt or not. College also opened up the other side of
Vivi to me. I didn’t know the personal Vivi; her likes, dislikes, fears other
than Math formulas, favourite movies and music, the boys she wanted to date…
And I found a beautiful person behind those goggles; a cognoscente of art. She
would do paintings and cartoons, sing like a pro and had her own moves. Her
father had got a transfer. But she decided to stay in Kerala until she
completed her graduation. Hence it was like I was her only family here; and we
also acted like one. And the locale of college was great. Close proximity to
the city, a number of hotels and cafes in near proximity; two girls-only
schools and a Women’s College within 1km radius and what else more needed!!! I
and Vivi had a lot of errands across these places and our favourite place was
this Café Amelie in the city; which was famous for Couple’s hangout place. We
went there as dating couples and covertly watched how couples acted in a place
meant only for them. And we enjoyed it to the fullest… In the process of
acquainting to newness, the fresher year passed in lightning speed.
The first
crack occurred in our relation when I got an admirer from the juniors. As we
had a terrible fresher’s party conducted by our seniors; we decided to organize
something grand for our successors. I was given the charge of compering at the
event. We had organized a lot of events and I was at my best with the mic that
day; cracking jokes, one-liners and famous quotes like a pro. I got rave
reviews, and a little bit of fan following too… Such a fan was Anju. She was
charming; a pass-out from KV; the biggest name in the school-sector. She had
all the credentials of getting admired by boys. She was in the Physics major,
but Govt. Arts colleges did have that silent agreement to admire your fellow
beings beyond borders. We had this Peepal tree right in front of the Science
Wing, and the base concrete was so widely constructed, that the boys from
different batches had their own place to ogle. And that was the best part of
each day at college. The girls knew our intentions; why we were sitting there,
but would never pretend that. And so was those young teachers. Even some newer
male faculty recruits would join us in the process. As long as the comments and
teases were well within the limits, both shareholders enjoyed it. We also had a
good-to-go from SFI comrades with T&Cs. Such a day of ogling saw Anju
coming towards the statistics corner of the Peepal tree.
“Can I talk to you?”
Her eyes got
affixed to mine, while all others under the tree looked at me waiting for my
reply.
“Ah… OK…” I didn’t had much words to play
with.
“You remember me right? Anju…From
Physics, ring any bells?”
It rang a
100 times already.
“I’ll be there in the canteen”
She walked
towards the canteen, and I just followed her keeping a steady 10 ft. gap
between us. She intermittently turned back to smile at me. I kept following.
The canteen had almost all seats occupied, but we were able to find a place to
sit. A crowded canteen would be always better; for others could hear only
gibberish voices in their eavesdrops. She ordered something in haste for both
of us and asked if I was comfortable. Her smartness had already conquered me;
the way she took over control of things; how she came to a bunch of boys to
pick her choice; the convincing words she spoke to me that I had no choice but
follow her. God!! She’s awesome!!
And so was
the way she put out the proposal to me; so clear and pristine…
“I’m attracted to you, Niranjan. From the
day 1, I have been noticing you around in the college; and from my seniors I
could get a good picture of you. But nothing would equal you talking about
yourself to me. And I prefer that. Same way from my part too. I would like to
know about you; and I would really like looking forward to you. What’s your say
on this Niranjan?”
I was
spellbound. I didn’t know that girls could talk like this to a totally strange
person. And she was so straight; insanely straight. And something in the world
was alarming me on that same thing; her sincerity? Something fishy!
“Oh… You can take time. I just wanted to
say it. You know I have this habit of saying things the way it is. I am not
good in sugar-coating things. And that’s what my dad taught me to deal… Ok
Niranjan, we’ll probably see around”
She started
to leave. I had to do something.
“Can we just wait till the sandwich
come?”
“What?”
“You ordered sandwich right? Let’s wait
for it?”
“Ooh… Ok… That’s cool” She sat down.
“Actually I ordered two muffins, were you hearing what I had been talking? Or
lost from the beginning?”
I laughed;
and so did she… That was a cute moment. She was laughing with all her sincerity
and tenderness. Her eyes squinted like Chinese women when she laughed; her lips
seemed a little drier than usual girl-lips; her hair was probably propped to
make a modern tinge. There was a mole at her neck, right below the Adam’s
apple; which kind of flew from left to right whenever she talked. It was funny
that I didn’t observe these charmers before. She was definitely beautiful…
We ate the
muffins and coffee, and she didn’t allow me to pay the bill as she triggered
the meet-up. Before leaving she held her hand for a shake.
“Thanks for coming, Niranjan. And don’t
forget to reply me”
“Actually, I forgot it. What was the
query you asked me?”
“Seriously???”
“Just kidding. There’s a Rockland Café
across the Church Jn. Their cold coffee is quite famous. I think we should try
that together. What say?”
She smiled.
We met, frequently;
again and again. When I told to Vivi about Anju, she said she wanted to meet
her. And I felt I was the luckiest person in the world, when both of them met…
“Hi Vaishnavi… Niranjan had said a lot
about you…”
“Hope he said only good things about me,
[laughs] but he didn’t say much about you…”
Vivi
squinted at me after saying that to Anju.
“I had told him not to say much”
And that
reply from Anju completely broke the ice of prelude between the ladies. They
laughed together and continued their banters for long. Most of the time, I felt
as a third person, and when they both started to mock me together; I even
thought, not to bring them together… But deep inside, I was enjoying it more
than anyone else. I had a fear something would go wrong between them; in words
or action; but they were like made for each other, and both of them, made for
me… I wanted to live like that; in between the angels aside me, forever; like
freezing everything in the world; air, wind, sun moon, time, dreams, love; and
just stay in the moment…
It was a
month since we started hanging out. And I had my first love-kiss at the movies;
when Anju felt the motivation from Ileana enjoying the lips of Ranbir. After
the movies, dropping her at her home; I rushed back to the ladies hostel and met
Vivi…
“Vivi, I’m in love… I love Anju”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes. She kissed me today!”
“Is that the reason you love her?”
“No!! I mean, I think she also loves me.
I had this thing for her for last few days, but was waiting for making it sure
that she also had something stronger than the attraction she had on me. And
today I could see that in her eyes; the love for me. And that’s exactly what I
need, Vivi. Those eyes of love. I don’t know… I can’t say how I feel for her…
Kind of levity, floatation, you know? A kind of feeling like orgasm without
sex… May be something else… I can’t explain…”
“Idiot, you’re in live… I get it. Did you
tell her?”
“Not yet. But I think tomorrow. It’s her B’day
tomorrow. And I think that would be the best occasion to say it”
“Seems good. Do you want me to come?”
“Ah… I don’t think so Vivi. I’ll be fine.
But tell me, which costume should I put on tomorrow?”
“May be the pink shirt which I bought you
from parx. It is her favourite colour”
“Awesome Vivi; you’re my love”
I kissed her
and rushed to home. Lovely thoughts in my mind camouflaged something that
night…
I woke up at
12am to wish her B’day. Her friends had planned a bash at the college after
3pm. I had already bought a silver necklace out of my savings for her. I wanted
to take her to Café Amelie; as the real dating couple and, while wearing that
on her neck, I would kiss on the mole on her neck; and would say those 3
beautiful words to her… My proposal plan; which was a surprise…
The classes
seemed to take longer time to end. I just wanted to run away holding Anju’s
hand and continue that forever. In the lunch break, it was really hard for me
to keep up my secret plan from Anju. Her eyes were always inquisitive and it
would rip open my brains and take out all my secrets. And that’s why I love
her!
I tiptoed
and went to see how her friends celebrated her B’day. It was just a mediocre
party. The usual cake cutting and smothering thing. And none of my fears
happened there; like some hero from nowhere intervening and proposing to her!!
It was all good… Until…
When the
clock ticked 3.45 pm, I got a message from Vivi. It just said, ‘Call me…’
Might be she
wanted to do a last minute prep to me before I propose. ‘Oh my sweet Vivi’
The phone
went on ringing; but went unanswered. I tried again. This time, when I almost
felt it would go off; she attended the call;
“Hi Ranjo”
“Vivi. what happened? What was that
message?”
“Yeah. Can you come over here? To
hostel?”
“Vivi, I was going to the Café. I might
get late. Is it urgent?”
“Can you come?”
“… OK…”
She was
cold… And indifferent. I have never heard such a Vivi before. The fishiness in
the situation throttled my brains; and I reached her hostel gates in a trice.
She was waiting for me on the bench in the walkway.
“Hey; what’s up?”
“Hi…”
“What happened? You look messy! What is
it?”
“It’s you?”
“What? Don’t freak me out, Vivi. What is
it?”
“Give me some time… I’ll say…”
“OK… ok…”
I waited,
tapping my legs on the floor. I tried resisting my restlessness but the taps
went on in an exponential fashion. The time had no mercy too; it ran away like
those dry leaves in front of the bench, which flew dazed in the wind. Eventually
when I saw the edge of precipice, I careened towards her to talk when she
finally said it.
“I don’t want you to see Anju again…”
Suddenly I
felt like taking a shit. My stomach hurled so worse that I brought my legs
close to shrink my anus. What was she talking about? To forget Anju? Or was it
a prank? But somehow I didn’t feel it so. Vivi had become a totally mysterious
person.
“Vivi? Are you insane? Today I’m going to
propose her; and what are you saying? Don’t mess with me; what is it?”
“You heard me, that’s it?”
“I heard you, but I didn’t get you… Tell
me why?”
“What? Just don’t see her. That’s it… You
know her for hardly two months right? So it is easy to do that!”
“No Vivi, it is not! I’m in love with
her! And tell me what in the world made you say this now. All of a sudden!
Everything was going fine, right?”
“Everything is not fine…”
“For God sake, just tell me what the
problem is?”
“Ranjo, I said what I had to say. Now
it’s your wish”
“… OK. I will stop seeing her. Only if
you open up with me. You’re my best friend. And I’d tell you everything
happening in my life. And only you know about the Café Amelie thing and only
you have seen the necklace… Now why are you acting like a mean jerk! She’s such
a wonderful girl and she’s just perfect for me!! At least tell me one reason to
leave her, Vivi?”
“… That exactly is the reason, Ranjo… That
is…”
“What are you talking about?”
“She’s the perfect girl for you…”
“So? That’s the best thing to happen
right?”
“May be…”
“Vivi, can you stop bull-sh**ting me and
say it like to a 10 yr. old boy?”
She smiled
at that. I always had that charm on her. The magic spell to bring her out of
moodiness. And this time, I wanted it badly.
“Ranjo, Just hear to me patiently. Try
not to stop me in between. I may sound ridiculous, and it is so. I’m being
ridiculous but I have no choice too… Anju is a great girl. She’s cute, smart,
and intelligent, and the tailor made half for you. You would get everything you
want, from her and; she can even fill my role in your life… nothing has
happened for now, but I’m afraid it will happen sooner or later. And I don’t want
to take any risks… Ranjo; you are my best friend, my soul. And I need that with
me forever. I know this forever thing is just sh*t. But I want you at least
till the end of our studies here. Till that I don’t want you to date, love or
marry any woman… I know I sound so pathetic and crappy, but that is what I have
to say… And don’t try to convince me or change my mind with any talks. I don’t
want to change my decision on this. It is final from my part. You can date her
after our college… Just tell her to wait… Or find another girl… And-“
Her mad
talks were cut by my phone ring and it was Anju. I looked at Vivi’s face and it
was as pale as a corpse… I didn’t attend the call. She called again, and again
and again. I switched it off. We sat there, on the bench for a long time. Many
girls and their boyfriends went by. Some teachers stared at us in sheer
displeasure. Mosquitoes drank our blood in between all of this. Still we sat
there, silently, without uttering a word, until it was totally dark.
At last when
our watches showed 8pm. She stood up. I joined her. We looked at each other. A
small concentrate of remorse diluted in a large dilution of happiness; that was
what I saw in her face. Yeah, she was happy. She put her head on my chest and
stayed like that. I didn’t budge. Anyway she had messed it all up. I wanted her
to do it for the rest of the day. It was nowhere a day in favour of me.
She opened a
button of my shirt and dunked her face onto my chest. I could feel her skin on
mine. The warm breath curved through my stubby trunk. Confusion tucked my
brains with an eerie smile. I still hung-on my non-budging stature. Finally,
the silence broke.
“I love your odour… It is so charming. I
feel safe, breathing it in. I didn’t know that before, I felt so secured when you
were near me… Now I know the science behind it. It is your odour”
She hugged
me tight putting her sweaty arms around me and her nuzzles made me feel itchy
at my chest.
“Just stay still, Ranjo… I want to
suffocate my lungs with your smell. Stay still”
I wanted to
cry. I had lost my first date, my love my future wife, probably; and more
importantly, my best friend; had gone mad!!!
She left the
hold when she had got enough of my stink. She ended it up kissing my watery
chest. She kissed my cheeks and held my face in her hands and said; her breath
was shabby;
“Love you Ranjo… I’m glad, you stood up
with me. That’s what friends have to do. You did it. And whatever I said,
stays, and it is mutual. We won’t date anybody till graduation gets over. Come,
I’ll buy you something…”
I would
never forget that night. Things would have changed in our lives if any of us
acted a little different at that night. I always think about that; especially
at those nights I spent alone; shivering in the cold air, at the dilapidated
benches of Bathlappalli. Also, that night marked a shift in my relationship
with Vivi. Our friendship had matured. We were attracted to each other; in a
way bigger than how it occurred to friends; we had those vibes of attraction;
the opposite sexes would have…
I avoided
Anju totally. Whenever she came to me for starting a conversation; I would cut
it off abruptly and leave. I felt it so ridiculous to say to her about Vivi, or
the ugly perks of being a best friend. And many times, I felt to rekindle my
intimacy towards her; for getting a life partner like Anju was blue moon. But
when I thought like a 3rd person, I felt she deserved a better
relation. She would have to face Vivi if we rekindle and that might turn into a
collateral damage. Whenever Anju saw me anywhere at college; she would smile at
me; probably hoping me, going to her and tell her, I loved her. Why didn’t I? I
should have…
Time is a
bitch. It has illicit relationships with forgetfulness, deception, human
mentality and power of arbitration. It taught me to conveniently forget my
despicable act to Anju; snatching her kiss and ditching her thereafter, and
enjoy the times with Vivi. It taught me to deceive my friendship with Vivi and
to feel intimate about her in the thoughts. It assured me to keep aside the
feel of guilt or chastisement; whenever I looked at her breasts or nates in
pleasure. And it imprinted my mind; to take it granted that I had complete
rights on Vivi; almost the similar way it poisoned Vivi’s mind. We knew that we
were mutually attracted to each other. But the same attraction had devoured the
beauty of transparency in our relationship that we never talked about it to
each other. I noticed there were saliva in the pecks she gave on my cheeks and
she knew my palms fondled her with more muscle in the hugs I gave her. And we
let the pleasured negligence to build over our heads…
The final
year projects; seminars and internships made us a little busy onto ourselves. Internship
was optional, and we decided to pursue. I took internship in a private Data
Analysis Consulting Firm in Bangalore; and had to reside there for 6 months.
Vivi took the same at a local firm in the city itself. She couldn’t make up to
Bangalore. My internship was successfully completed and I got absorbed in the
same firm. I was overwhelmed at my achievement; and so were my parents. I
couldn’t make it to those farewell parties and other final year stuffs as my
boss at the firm wanted me to stay with them and take on-job trainings in real
projects. And my Bangalore life got extended to 7 months. I reached back to
Vivi and college during the time of external examinations and project
presentations; which basically meant, the graduation was over…
“Congrats Ranjo… I knew you would get it.
My intelligent rascal…”
“What is your plan? Going to Delhi?”
“Dad gave me two options; either stay in
Kerala and complete post grad. Or fly back to him and take a break. And…”
“And?”
“Mom called me yesterday. She’s now in
Bangalore. I used to get these calls from an unknown number; ignored them
thinking that it would be some weirdoes. But it was Mom…”
“She’s with her; … with her husband?”
“She got divorced before 3 months. She’s
having custody of the boy born out of their relationship. Her voice had not
changed. Still having that naughty quill, unlike mine. She asked about Dad, if
he was happy; and why didn’t he marry again; etc. etc. She wanted me to shift
to Bangalore. She believes I have lot of opportunities there. I even asked Dad
about that; of course not mentioning about Mom, but he doesn’t believe in Bangalore
than Delhi. I want to see her Ranjo; talk to her… See my brother…”
“It’s so great of you Vivi. You talked to
her! That is so huge. Only people with great hearts can do that!!!”
I hugged
her… And it was a hug that occurred after a long 7 months… And as
aforementioned; time is a bitch. I could find passion and amour in my hug and
the way she conformed to my hold affirmed it with prudence. I no longer
maintained the thin line of separation between our bosoms; or rather I couldn’t
feel we were separate… And that was the moment which marked the platonic shift
in our relationship… The worst, godforsaken, callous moment… We had fallen in
LOVE… Like a predestination, our lips synced with each other and they entwined
below oneself with all hurls of passion under the sky… She enjoyed my odour
like never before. We kissed for a long time that day; and in the days that
followed until we finally departed our ways. I loved all of them to the fullest
and so did she. As if it was worth for the repentance that followed…
Job life was
great. Work pressure got reduced to a great extent than my intern period. And
the people with whom I had to submiss had become my colleagues. My manager
seemed to be more palpable in his conversations. And I was bestowed with more
accountability and responsibility in the organisation. A dream start for a non-engineering
grad in the Silicon Valley of India. Moreover the city was a great place to
hang out. Parties, clubs, bars, DJs… Every day was happening and every weekend
was a bash. It was just that you step out of our zone and sync in. But amidst
of all this glitterati; I missed her. The fun, the joy, the zeal; nothing was
complete or everything seemed like a sex without love; meaningless. I missed
Vivi…
She joined
for Masters in our college. In my bi-monthly visits to hometown, I would go to
her and spent half-a-day; enjoying her company, talking to her about all those
things again and again; which we would have chatted over the phone. I would buy
her presents, take her to movies and reassure her that I would be hers’
forever. And whenever it was time to leave her; she wouldn’t leave the hold on
my shirt, resting on my shoulders and cuddling me; doing her mascot nuzzling on
my chest for which she had already been a Master. She used to say;
“Leave your odour with me and go. It is
mine; only mine and not even yours…”
And each
time I left her I was seen off with tearful eyes… She cared for me a lot. We
desperately wanted to spend a lot of time exclusively to us… And she wanted
that more…
On my
completion of 6 months at the firm, my colleagues had arranged a small party
for me at one of my friend’s apartment. It was a Saturday night. I was getting
dressed up for the party when the doorbell rang. And to my surprise it was
Vivi.
“Hey, Vivi!!! How come here?”
I pulled her
in and hugged her. She dunked her face onto my chest as usual.
“I came to see Mom”
“Ohh. That’s great!!! You saw her,
already? Why didn’t you call me? I would have picked you up?”
“You know the meaning of surprise? Idiot”
It was her
first meeting with her Mom after 5 years. She seemed content and joyful after
the meeting. Her step-brother was a cutie pie; the photos were adorable. She
talked about her mother’s boutique at Market Square, the successful small
career she had built within a short span of time; her concern for Dad… I heard
all of them keeping a watch on the clock.
“Vivi, I have a get-together today. I
promised to be there. Can you hang around here till I reach back? You have
travelled a lot. I will take the spare keys, you can go for sleep. And tomorrow
we will just rock in Bangalore.
“Oh… Ok. Then wait for 10 minutes. I will
take a quick bath and come back. Then you can go”
“OK…”
She took
almost 15 minutes for bathing. And the phone calls had started to arrive from
friends. I waited for her; tapping my foot on the floor. A feel of Déjà vu
struck my head when the whole scenario occurred; but my tensed mind swerved
away from digging in. Finally she came… in towels…
“You got any shirt? I forgot my bag at
Mom’s”
I have seen
her in towels before; when we went for picnic from College. But nothing had
went over my willies at that time. But now, it was happening… The Déjà vu thing
was pricking my brains and my conscience. Some voice whispered to me; ‘This is
not right’… But the moment, when you find in a girl’s eyes that she had
realized what exactly was going on in your mind, and she also wanted the same;
then no voice in the world can stop you from pursuit…
It took me
only a moment to lift her in my arms and reach to the bed. Our eyes got locked
into each other’s’ but our limbs manoeuvred as if they had brains of their own.
The kisses had only saliva in it, and my palms had full muscle when I fondled
her body. It was the first time I saw her modesties; but I succumbed to them
without any forewords. Her eyes wanted it badly; and when I got into her; she
smiled closing her eyes, and pressed her hands on my back when she needed it again.
We ignored the pertinent phone calls, the poor ventilation in the room, the
unlocked doors in the front and the loud switched on TV. The whole night we
made love and it went on and on until the first traces of Sun started to
surface…
“Ranjo…”
“Hm?’
“Are you OK?”
“Yeah. I’m fine. Why?’’
“Just asked… Will your friends be angry?”
“I texted them I had an emergency?”
“Really? When did you get time for that?”
“You took a nap in between”
“Did i? Hmm… Ranjo…”
“Yes Vivi…?”
“What is exactly going on in your mind
now? Is it blank? Or are you thinking something?”
“Actually I’m thinking something…”
She sat back
on her squats. She was beautiful even in no dress.
“I was thinking, if you bought those
condoms keeping me in mind or if you had somebody else for the night…”
[Chuckles]
She pinched
on my nipples and plucked out my chest hairs in angst. I hugged her all of a
sudden and we laid there for long. She slept there; savouring my odour.
And that was
it; the next platonic shift in our relationship. SEX… I’m not sure, if it had
to be a separate entity from love; for I was confused being brought up in an
Indian Culture… But to my mental and physical composure, that was a shift… And
I loved it… So did Vivi…
We went for
a quick outing to the nearby places. I bought her a grand lunch and we went for
shopping at a mall. Neither I nor she enjoyed the time outside the room. And we
copulated again before it was time for her return bus. I never wanted to leave
her, and I wanted her to stay with me… And I believed I would achieve that
sooner…
Sex could be
like your favourite dish; and sometimes, you want it only from your favourite
hotel. And you would definitely want to get it consumed once in a while. She
came frequently to Bangalore in the behest of seeing her mom, but most of the
time saw me in the bed. They said it right, Sex was a need to be fulfilled. We
had turned into a lusty pair, meeting up for having sex and nothing else… And
we embraced the twin of Time; the bitchier phenomenon; CHANGE, to acquit
ourselves from all the possibilities of remorse. Love had been in a hiatus. We
started to make excuses to all others in our life and cogged in together for
our carnal pleasures. Days and months passed by silently; and we kept going
with our sex life; keeping aside all the rights and wrongs. Or at least I
believed so. We had reached the complete cycle in our relationship. Then what?
… Just continue…
Time is
always a bitch. And it came as a prick of conscience in Vivi’s mind as she
confessed about our love-sex life to her Mom. We both felt that there was
something wrong in us having sex. But she didn’t mention me; she was acting
against her conscience. And when a 3rd person comes; it would always
be messy. I didn’t exactly know what her mother said about the relationship;
but one night after we had sex; she sat up and told me about her confession;
“You would have told me first, Vivi! If
you had such a thought going in your mind about us, I’m the one who should be
informed. That was how things happened between us, right? Why it changed?”
“Things have changed a lot between us,
Ranjo? Don’t you notice that?”
“I have. But as long as we’re OK with it,
then I don’t find any problem in that… And if any of us are not in truce with
anything; it has to be conveyed to the other person and together; it has to be
sorted out…”
“I’m sorry, Ranjo… I should have told you
first. My mistake. But I think we should stop this; all of this. I can’t take
this anymore. I’m totally in guilt… I can’t find anything to justify this now…”
“Why in the world you need to justify? We
are happy, right? That is what is important!!”
“No Ranjo, I’m not happy, I’m in total
pain”
Saying this,
she left my room. She slammed the door so hard, that I didn’t have the courage
to run back to her and get her back. I didn’t do that. I don’t know why…
It had been
a month since she left me. I tried calling her, but she wouldn’t attend. I
could see that she received and read my messages, but she never replied. Once I
went to the college hostel, but she refused to see me… But I kept trying; calling
from Public phone booths or from a friend’s phone, sending letters to her
address and sharing audio messages via chats and even by sending my unwashed
tee-shirt to her, luring her brain with my odour. And it did pay off… On a
Friday morning; a very bad Friday morning, when she attended my call…
“Hello, Vivi…”
“Tell me”
I wanted to
scold her, tell her how much she hurt me, abuse her like sh*t … But I took a
deep breath; and only said;
“I missed you”
“Me too…”
I could hear
her silent sobs. She used to do that in our school times. I would hold her one
handed and she would rest her head onto my shoulders… She loved that very much
and used to say that was the moment she felt she was at the safest place in the
world… I wanted to do the same right then.
“Vivi… I love you… You’re my life. And I
can’t live my life without you beside me. And nobody in this world can love you
better than me… Vivi”
“Ranjo… Love you…”
“…I want to marry you…”
Silence took
over the scene…
“Are you serious, Ranjo?”
“Yes… I can’t let you go. I can’t just
think of that… I’ll convince your mom, dad, my parents and everybody in this
world. Be mine… Be mine forever. Vivi… Oh God!!! I can’t handle this… I need
you now, Vivi. Right now!!! I want you to come to me today. No matter what… I
need you. Did you get that?”
“Ranjo, let’s think with calm brains… I-“
“No sh*t, Vivi… I have been suffering
here for many days. I just need you to be right here with me…”
“Ranjo… Just hear me patiently-”
“I don’t want to hear anything else… Don’t
you love me? Don’t you need my odour anymore? Vivi… Come here, come to me…”
“Ok… Ok Ranjo… I’ll come”
“And call me only after you reach at my
doors…”
“…OK”
I really
hadn’t thought about marrying Vivi before the call. It came out instinctively.
But I didn’t find anything wrong in it either. We were the kind of perfect pair
one could ever find.
Yes… That
was it!!! The best way to end it!!! No more guilt and pricks of conscience… I
can love her, lust her without any emotional liabilities… Vivi would be my
WIFE!!! Oh God!!! That would be awesome!!!!!!”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
I went to
office early and got out pretty early. I did a small shopping, for I had to
make the night special. I bought a golden ring, her favourite Spanish Tango
Cheese Pizza and some coldies. She kept her word of not calling me until she
arrived. The apartment was a total mess; for I had never been sane lately… I
cleaned up the whole thing; arranged the table with a white cloth and chairs
and a candle holder at the centre… Yes, I would propose her; there, to be my
better half…
My phone
rang; but it was not Vivi. The number seemed familiar to me. It was Vivi’s mom.
“Hallo?”
“…Niranjan? Vaishnavi’s mother here…”
I hated her;
obviously. But her quill voice lowered my anger.
“Look Aunty, if this is to wash my brains
with some motherly logic and get me away from your daughter; I’m really sorry
to say; I have no time for you…”
“…..Can you come over to my house with a
Taxi?”
She was
crying…
“What happened?”
“We have to go to Bathlappalli Govt.
Hospital”
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
The empty
road seemed to tremble at my stare. It knew I hated it a lot. I looked at the
ridge between the roads where they said her shredded body was lying. I always
saw the blood stains on them… And her sandals were said to be lying scattered
on the road; and so was her backpack… The cold air now bore the smell of blood…
Yes!!! I had fallen into the scourge… Atmosphere had gone silent… The peak of
perdition…
… It was a
truck… A speeding 6-tyred giant; that ran over my Vivi… Nobody knows why she
got down in this godforsaken place at that night. And that was the same
question, I have been seeking answers for… Neither the police, nor people in
the bus; none had the faintest idea why she left the place. And everybody
including her Dad believed that she was travelling to Bangalore to see her
mother; except Aunty. And she didn’t correct them either. When we saw her in
the dingy morgue of the Govt. Hospital; even under the dim lights, we could
fathom the pain she would have endeavoured at death; the doctors couldn’t bind
her back as the original… Her mother was very strong; unlike me… I fell down at
the very sight, half-fainted. And when I was back to senses, Aunty took my hand
and placed something in it. It was the ring… It would have probably fell out of
my pocket when I fell down. I couldn’t stop my sob…
“… I was… I was going to…”
“I know son, I know…”
She hugged
me…
And I cried,
and cried… And cried… waiting for the tiredness to quell the agony; which never
happened. When her father arrived, her body was taken for cremation to her
ancestral home…
Why did she
get down??? What could be it??? Were some rookies disturbing her in the bus???
Or… Or she changed her mind of meeting me??? Got down, to return back??? Or was
it that??? Did she do it on purpose??? Did she walk into her death
deliberately??? … Oh God!!! I just want to know why!!!!!
For many
times, I would think of killing myself… For living like a dead meat was nowhere
better. But, the thought, the feeling, that if she killed herself to be away
from me; it pricked my heart. She wouldn’t want me there; wherever she’s now;
she would be better there alone…
She
shouldn’t have killed herself; that was not the right solution. We could have
erased the idea of marriage from our relation; if she didn’t want to. We could
have completely stopped the intimate life if she wanted to… And even; we would
have stopped seeing each other and lived as separate individuals; if she wanted
to… But maybe she knew; she knew that, these were not possible… To live each
moment in life… forgetting the best moments of life…
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
And as always; she did what she wanted to. I’m happy for that. But she left me
in severe pain and devastation. I’m here; clueless; suspended; living…
It started
as FRIENDSHIP; developed into an ATTRACTION; revelled into LOVE; and
consummated in SEX…
But despite
transforming, the two school buddies who bonded for helping each other; still
lived inside us all the way. And that pure soul would have made her choose
death; and me; a living dead...
I couldn’t
understand why God chose her to be punished; and not me? Is God a male??? A
chauvinist who wanted the masculine to be preferred over the feminine???
Or is living
in remorse for the rest of life; a bigger punishment than succumbing to a
painful death?
I didn’t
know… I didn’t know anything…
But Vivi…
You could
have done just one thing when you left me…
You could
have snatched my odour with you…
It was never
mine; it was always yours…
I can’t
separate you from my sane; as long as my odour stays with me…
Still, I
Love You Vivi; till my last breath…
And I don’t
want the bitch; Time; to heal me… I won’t let it to…
LAMA SIGNING
OUT…
